As parents, grandparents and caregivers, we want to help our children grow into healthy, confident adults. How we speak to ourselves and others, especially children, can have powerful effects both positive and negative.
Our actions, of course, matter too, but words are important tools for children who are just learning how to interact with the world around them and manage emotions. The right words can help us acknowledge big feelings, set boundaries, keep behavior on track and build connection.
While there is no specific script adults need to follow, nor a strict set of words we need to stick to when talking with the children in our lives, there are some simple ways we can tap into the power of words to build up kids’ emotional well-being.
- Build them up with simple positive phrases. A few positive words can be a great source of encouragement for kids. When little ones are having a tough day, your words of encouragement may be all they need to turn their day around. Feeling stuck on what to say? To get you started, here is a list of positive phrases like “I love spending time with you” and “I’d love to hear what you think about…”.
- Focus on behaviors not labels. It can be easy to label children with characteristics such as shy, bossy or picky. However, if children hear these labels it can influence how they view themselves. Instead of speaking of fixed characteristics, reframe your wording to focus on behaviors and actions.
- Take responsibility for your own emotions. According to Life Coach Pam Howard of Less Drama More Mama, it’s best to avoid phrases that start with “You made me (angry, proud, sad).” As adults, kids are not responsible for our actions. Instead switch to phrases like “I feel (angry, proud, sad).” This small switch of words helps adults take responsibility for themselves and model emotional maturity.
- Model active listening. Active listening involves paying attention to the details of what someone is saying as well as their thoughts and emotions. When speaking with kids, reference specific names of their friends, books and movies they watch, and small details of their days that they have previously shared with you. This helps them feel seen and know that you are truly interested in even the mundane aspects of their day. Use simple phrases after listening to kids speak like “I can see why that was a tricky situation” and summarize without judgment using phrases like “Let me see if I understand correctly.” This will demonstrate that you are paying attention and trying to understand things from their perspective.
- Give positive affirmations a try. Positive affirmations are short statements that kids (and adults!) can repeat to themselves. The purpose of these statements is to encourage self-assurance and optimism. Work together with your child to come up with a list of simple and easy phrases. You can practice saying them together and then kids can repeat on their own. For example, “I can try my best,” “I am a good friend,” “I am loved, ” or “I am a good problem solver.”
A key thing to remember is that no one is perfect. Making a mistake and using words with our children that we regret is bound happen. As adults, things like fear, anger and our circumstances (stress, fatigue, hunger) can result in speaking impulsively without thinking how our words may be received.
When adults mess up and use unkind or unhelpful words, owning up to our mistakes and apologizing goes a long way in modeling emotional maturity for kids. It can also open up discussions about important topics such as empathy and forgiveness and help them identify times where their feelings and emotions resulted in regretful words.
Every day is a new day and a new opportunity to use positive, uplifting words with the children in our lives. Easy simple phrases that help them feel good about the people they are growing into will stick with them for years to come!